April 29, 2017

YOUTH


I used to be the youngest in every class, group or working environment. I used to be that guy ahead of his years, being both young and responsible. "Wow, you're really only 21?" is something I used to get a lot. There are things in my life that have made me become an adult ahead of my time. And after a certain point you get used to it - being a child, but also an adult.



And after a while it makes you feel as if it's never going to end. Like you'll forever be in young adulthood, like it's a permanent thing. And in a way you start to enjoy it, because you feel as if you have more time, you can still do it all because you're young. And being surrounded with grown ups makes you unrelatable to people your own age.

And as I'm getting close to my mid-twenties, I slowly realize that I'm no longer the youngest in every occasion. And it really makes you wonder what if you don't have what it takes to deal with age? What if you won't be able to "do it all"? There's always someone younger and more talented than you out there making it work, achieving their dreams and you feel somewhat stuck. Because of this forced adulthood you had to enter, you've missed out on being young. You find people your own age immature and you wonder what happened? Are you an adult and not just pretending anymore? Because then what? You're not ready for this and yet no one asked you, no one gave you a choice. You wear a suit and go to work every day. You make money that you used to dream about but it somehow does not seem enough. You have obligations and responsibilities. You don't go out. You've lost touch with people you used to call friends. You have hobbies and interests that you have no time for. Coffee is no longer just a drink you like to have, but a necessity every morning because without it you can't function. You plan your time for weeks ahead and leave no room for being spontaneous. Everyone around is getting married and having kids. But you can't help but feel sorry for them and their little lives. It makes you wonder - how this can be enough for them? Or is it just you who wants more? Is it just you who feels that there should be more? That all of this is not enough? Or perhaps it's how everyone feels, but they're just good at hiding it?

But you were never one to fake a smile. Because the harsh truth is better than their carefully curated bullshit.

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Maira Gall